Mother's Day, it's complicated
Updated: May 10, 2020
First, let me start by wishing all of the Mommies out there a very Happy Mother's Day. I am beyond grateful, I have been gifted 4 wonderful children. To have had and to have the opportunity to raise, love and witness my children, I am beyond blessed. I have given and received so much love. From the outside, it seems so simple. "It's Mother's day, be grateful for the children you have and the time that you haven been given with your children" but it's not that simple.
Yes, Mother's Day is complicated. For me, a huge part of who I am and who I identify as is first and foremost a Mom. I have 3 of children who are healthy and thriving, 1 of which has given me 2 beautiful grandchildren (who have stolen my heart) but I have 1 who no longer walks this earth.
Although it's going on 15 years, my heart, my grief, my aching for this child (young man) of mine still hurts like hell. So, Mother's Day is very complicated. I am here and I am very much in the moment. I sit with contentment for all that I have and all that I am but understand that part who I am contains not only joy but also grief. Some who have never encountered this type of grief might find it difficult to understand how I could be so grateful and yet feel so much grief. This is just the way it is. I have come to accept this as a way of life and also a driving force.
Today while in my morning ritual. I was reminded by spirit that in an attempt to heal my deepest wound, I also created obstacles for my healing. For a large amount of time, I was so focused on keeping it together, being better and offering more. I took on too much, I over committed and I lost myself in the process. Perhaps in an attempt to shelter/protect my younger children or to make up for lost time with my sons as I was working full time while my sons were growing up or maybe for losing my son.
I understand that this has all been part of my healing journey. Each day, I come to new realizations of my continued project of healing. These days, I focus on doing the best I can on that day. Also, I have made a firm commitment to not over committing. I say "No" without any explanations. I give myself permission to feel, to explore, to take time for me, to refine myself and never to say sorry to someone for experiencing my grief and who I have become as a result of it.
Mother's day is no exception and Mother's day stirs up so much emotion. There is no easy or brief explanation of it and tip toeing around the subject doesn't help. Everyday is different. A song, a thought, a smell..anything can stir up memories.
On Mother's day, there are many that may be grieving the loss of a child or maybe it's the loss of child that never came. A mother's grief has many faces and each one comes with a very different story. So if this is you - be patient, be understanding and be forgiving with yourself. If there is someone in your life that has suffered this loss - be patient, be kind, be understanding. Remember... it's Mother's day and it's complicated.
To all of the warrior mommies, I wish you a blessed and loving mother's day. To all those who support these mommies, I wish you strength and compassion.